As you know, nearly every leader within the US TAG to TC 176 (the committee that develops ISO 9001) has published at least one book and multiple seminars on ISO 9001:2015, right after they secretly boasted about the new standard being “the biggest boon to consultants ever.” Despite ISO rules dictating the group must be comprised of an even balance of government agencies, ISO 9001 user organizations and others, the TAG leadership — led by Alka Jarvis, Paul Palmes, Jack West and Lorri Hunt — is overwhelmingly run by private consultants, who have worked to ensure ISO 9001 is just confusing enough so you have to hire them, afterwards, to help decode it all. Ka-ching.

That’s pretty bad behavior, and it’s all so negative. But on the brighter side is watching how the various consultants cannibalize each other by incessantly promoting themselves at the expense of their friends.

Exhibit A: the book by TAG leaders Jack West and Charles Cianfrani. They not only wrote a book about ISO 9001, they did it during the Draft International Standard (DIS) stage, when the ink was literally not dry yet, because the standard was a year away from being published. On that book, West and Cianfrani declare themselves as “two of the biggest name in the world of QMS.” This despite the fact that outside of the US, many QMS professionals have never heard of these antediluvian, arthritic dinosaurs.

Here is where it gets interesting. That book was published by the “American Quality Institute,” a group run by one Sermin Vanderbilt, herself a cipher whose name changes depending on when you Google it. Vanderbilt is ostensibly a front for West and his wife, San, and the group includes more than half of the US TAG leadership, including Lorri Hunt, Denise Robitaille, Cianfrani and more. It also includes some “friendlies”: men who were not part of the TAG but who are marketed by AQI as having been on the committee anyway, such as Duke Okes (who famously defended ASQ’s use of the word “bitch” and suggested women shouldn’t mind).

Even within AQI, however, the TAG leaders can’t stop sniping at each other. Like a Sith apprentice murdering her Master, West’s former protege Lorri Hunt has aggressively postures herself as superior to West. Published by the very same AQI, Hunt’s apparently endless spamming of her equally endless seminars declare her “one of the top, if not the top, US delegate to TC 176.” In short, she told Jack West to go suck it. The poor grammar — which is likely the work of Vanderbilt — only makes it funnier.

It’s not a problem purely isolated to the West/Hunt self-promotion cash exchange at AQI, either. Over at LinkedIn, Rick Harrington Jr. just declared his dad, James H. Harrington, the last living “quality guru.” The Harringtons have been at this “branding dad as a guru” thing for years, registering domain names and marketing him using the word, oblivious to the quasi-racist aspect of an old, pasty white guy taking on the title of a Hindu spiritual teacher. (These same pasty old white guys would probably argue the point, running to Google and declaring their inner knowledge of the etymology of the word, even if the only other Hindu word they probably know is “curry” and the nickname for that brown-skinned guy at the gas station is “Punjab” despite the fact that he was probably born in Atlanta.)

So it’s clear that the only way to compete with these self-declared geniuses, is to go one step further and adopt the same approach. Thus, effectively immediately, I have declared myself the World’s Only Living Quality Supergod, and I have the graphic and hyperbolic bulleted list to prove it:

So if you want to buy the only book on ISO 9001 written by the World’s Only Living Supergod, meaning me, feel free to drop by www.survivingiso9001.com.

I promise to update my professional and superheroic credentials as I accomplish new and amazing feats, like defeating Thanos, winning that hamburger-eating contest at Chili’s, and managing to drink an entire glass of Chateau Ste. Michelle Riesling without vomiting.

At least when I pad my resume, it’s entertaining. I hope Paul Palmes is paying attention.