Didier Michaud-Daniel (visual approximation)

Bureau Veritas long since swapped its soul for global domination, so nothing should be surprising at this point. (See this breaking article on their role in the India plant explosion that killed 13 people so far.)

Now the overcaffeinated marketing snakes at BV have decided to capitalize on the world coronavirus pandemic by offering some weirdo, really non-specific “certification” related to companies who want to re-open after quarantines are lifted. Here’s the marketing pitch, via a formal press release issued by Bureau Veritas’ own CEO and part-time gargoyle trainer, Didier Michaud-Daniel:

The priority for all companies is to get back to work as quickly as possible and with appropriate health, safety and hygiene conditions for their employees and their clients. Building on 200 years of expertise in risk management, Bureau Veritas has developed a suite of solutions to meet the needs of all sectors of the economy as they reopen for business.

The full press release doesn’t get much clearer than that, throwing out a host of vague claims without ever really defining just what the fuck BV is selling. You can read it here.

One of our readers reached out to BV to find out what, exactly, they are selling. Here is how that went:

I mailed Bureau Veritas for more information about this solution. I asked what “standards” or procedures one had to comply with and what legislation they find relevant. I got a phonecall with an answer at lunchtime today. They have no standards or procedures. The company that wants the “certification” has to write its own procedures and system. BureauVeritas then audits if the company complies with its own procedures!

I asked what legislation they would define as relevant in Denmark for instance and she replied that the company wanting this “certification” had to define itself what legislation is relevant. But that Bureau Veritas looks to guidelines from 2 out of 8 relevant Governmental Agencies. She did not know anything about any other Governmental Agencies.

This means that Bureau Veritas does not ascertain in any way if it is safe or healthy to restart the business as they claim. Thus, the “certification” in question is not capable of documenting what they claim in their marketing. That is a violation of the competition law which is the same all over the world.

That last part may be opinion, of course, but it’s worth investigating.

To recap: the CEO of one of the world’s largest ISO registrars is now capitalizing on a global tragedy by offering a wholly unaccredited certification service by which they simply certify that you are complying with your own procedures. If your procedure says, “we feast on the living bodies of tiny children, drinking their tears as we do so,” — which is, I’m guessing, exactly what Didier Michaud-Daniel has every day for breakfast — then BV will certify you so long as you can produce the kid-corpses.

Seriously — based on what BV’s own sales reps said, if you have a procedure that says you will pollute the planet, you will get certified by Bureau Veritas provided you actually do pollute the planet. If you have a procedure that says you actively engage in bribery, BV will certify you if you can show the bribes took place (presumably using their client, Odebrecht, as a reference point.)

Given that Bureau Veritas has certified companies responsible for the deaths of nearly 100 people in just the investigations conducted by Oxebridge, I don’t think — as I said earlier — we should be surprised.