[Adult reader warning.]
Ahh, India. The land of the lilting sitar, the majestic Taj Mahal, and whorehouses that call themselves “sexology clinics.”
Strap in (or on) for this one, folks. You will think I am making it up, but I’m not. I wouldn’t jerk you around like that, although this next guy will, at least if you pay him.
Meet Dr. Chetan Gupta, who some in civilized society might call a “pimp,” but who refers to himself instead as “one of India’s leading sexologists for celebrities & VIPs.” Gupta runs the Chetan Clinic, which helps men take a load off after a hard day’s work. With convenient locations above a wine shop, next to a movie theater parking lot, at a train station and across from a petrol pump, the Chetan Clinic clearly is targeting rich VIPs who frequent dark alleys and the backs of gas stations.
Not content with just screenshotting his website, I thought I would consult Google Maps to see what Gupta’s locations really look like. Here’s one:
And another:
And another:
And one more:
As you can see, only the finest members of India’s high society would be seen in these locales.
Gupta offers a host of sexual services, including BDSM, orgasm training, penis enlargement, and even “nightfall,” which is apparently an Indian euphemism for nocturnal emissions or something. In 2023, India reached a population of over 1.4 billion people, so clearly this is a country that needs a doctor to teach them how to have more sex.
And, no, I have no idea why they have an entire page labeled “retarded.”
Most of Gupta’s services are aimed at men who can’t get laid and then claim he has mystical Ayurvedic methods to turn things around for these losers. I guess throwing money at a scammer is easier than, you know, maybe treating women less like property and being a little less rapey.
But is Gupta a scammer? Well, of course, he is. According to India’s own Advertising Standards Council (ASCI) and QuackWatch.org, he’s guilty of all sorts of fraud and criminality. Here is just one of their official rulings on Chetan Clinic, from 2016:
The advertisement’s claims (in Hindi), as translated into English, “Sex Problems? Get Successful Treatment with Ayurvedic Medicines,” was not substantiated with clinical data and is misleading. Also, specific to the claims related to successful treatment for sex problems and the claims, “Sex Problems? Get Successful Treatment with Ayurvedic Medicines” and “Now You too can Enjoy Married Life to your Heart’s Content,” read in conjunction with the advertisement visual implies enhancement of sexual pleasure, which is in breach of the law as it violated The Drugs & Magic Remedies Act.
A year later, in 2017, they alleged Gupta’s ads falsely claim “complete ayurvedic treatment of premature ejaculation, STDs, impotency, male infertility, semen, nightfall and sexual diseases.” Another probe in 2014 found, “the advertisement of Chetan Clinic states ‘Fit Dikhe, Sehat Banaye.’ The advertisement, read in conjunction with the visual, claims that the medicine is made completely from Ayurvedic herbs, has no side effects and results can be seen in 10 days.”
His related company, Chetan Herbals, was also accused of fraud by ASCI:
The advertisement’s claims, “Increase breast size, see the difference in 15 days,” “To make undeveloped and tightening small breast in shape” and “attractive and beautiful.” Also the visual in the advertisement implies that the product is meant for increase in size of female bust, are considered to be, prima facie, in violation of the DMR Act and D&C Rules.
And:
The advertisement claims “Thin-skinny weak develop health.” The advertisement states that if one is not able to build good health even after eating then, as per their advice, order medicines sitting at home to gain hunger, weight, digestion, strength and health, and notice the difference in ten days. They further state that both men and women can consume it without any side effects.
The other problem is that his claim of being “ISO 9001 certified” appears to be fake, as well. At least one online reviewer claims Chetan Clinic doesn’t actually hold any certificate, and IAF CertSearch has no record at all of the clinic in the official database. It’s likely Gupta bought a mill cert or just typed the words “ISO 9001” on his website and resumed his fleshpeddling business.
Gupta’s services do have one crucial environmental side effect: right now, India is being overrun by rhesus monkeys, and I hear one of his clinic’s specialties is treating you how to spank the monkey. So, there’s that.
As you read this, a host of ISO certification bodies are scrambling to give Gupta a call, offering low-cost “transfer of certification” services, I bet. Imagine those audits! I’d make some jokes about the corrective actions, but I might get the entire Oxebridge site banned in Tennessee.
Anyway, we’ve finally found an industry that will encourage auditors to conduct truly thorough, probing audits. I am sure the auditors will bend over backward to find evidence. For sure they will poke into every crevice they can, taking their time to sniff out problems. Hopefully, they can overcome their tendency to finish prematurely.
Like I said, the jokes write themselves.
Christopher Paris is the founder and VP Operations of Oxebridge. He has over 30 years’ experience implementing ISO 9001 and AS9100 systems, and helps establish certification and accreditation bodies with the ISO 17000 series. He is a vocal advocate for the development and use of standards from the point of view of actual users. He is the writer and artist of THE AUDITOR comic strip, and is currently writing the DR. CUBA pulp novel series. Visit www.drcuba.world
