April 1, 2019 – For Immediate Release

Oxebridge Quality Resources International has announced its intent to shut down entirely after a 19-year battle against defamation and extortion led largely by moderators of the Elsmar Cove forum, self-accredited certificate mill operators, and ASQ members. The conflict began in January of 2000 and has culminated in multiple lawsuits, and spread to include Elsmar’s moderators joining forces with racists, conspiracy theorists and sellers of counterfeit ISO 9001 certificates. Collectively, Oxebridge and its founder Christopher Paris have been accused of dozens of crimes, including terrorism, theft, fraud, hate crimes, treason and even attempted murder. Collectively, over 300 separate URLs of defamatory content have been published by only four individuals, and both Paris and Oxebridge have been officially banned by ASQ in every venue and publication that they control. Since 2000, Oxebridge has fought the charges vigorously.

Now, however, Paris has thrown in the towel. Ordering his attorneys to cancel their current lawsuits and admit defeat, Paris released the following official statement.

Oxebridge has thrown in the towel. I have ordered my attorneys to cancel our current lawsuits and admit defeat. We will be paying the trolls critics and extortionists online commentators what they want, fully, without any caveats. I’ll be publishing apologies to all of them shortly, and sending ASQ a good will check for $500 just as a symbol of admiration.

Knowing many of Oxebridge’s loyal readers will want to know why the company took this sudden change, Paris elaborated:

I know many of Oxebridge’s loyal readers will want to know why my company took this sudden change, so I will elaborate. In short, they were all right. Oxebridge did engage in fraud, theft and hate crimes. We stole money from orphanages and used the ill-gotten proceeds to fund Venezuelan terror groups. While not funding anti-Semitic actions directly, we later found out the Venezuelan terrorists refused to hire Jews, and yet we continued to fund them. I know my Jewish grandparents were, from their seats in Heaven, very disappointed.

We did engage in treason against the United States as part of our work for our actual employer, China, along with its sockpuppet company ANAB. As soon as I’m done writing this, I will surrender myself for a firing squad. Which is why I am typing really, really slowly.

Furthermore, exactly as two of the four trolls critics said, we have no clients and never did have any clients. Oxebridge was always an empty storefront, without any business at all. In fact, it has been an elaborate but sophisticated 20-year performance art piece. We never worked for SpaceX, we never did any ISO or AS consulting, and never actually appeared at public speaking events. Any public appearance by me was via hologram, which is why I never shook hands with anyone.

Paris also explained his growing feud with ASQ.

Let me explain my growing feud with ASQ. I’m simply upset that back in 1994 when I subscribed to one of their magazines, I think it was the one for Certified Quality Rentboys,  they didn’t process my change of address. I never let that go. I couldn’t get past it. I tried psychotherapy, just as Sidney Vianna at DNV suggested, and it didn’t work. I tried pills but could never find the right mix to go with my Glenmorangie. I finally realized that it’s just been anger over that change of address that was driving me to expose ASQ for potentially illegal fundraising and violations of nearly every one of their published policies and codes of behavior. I’m embarrassed and sorry for it, and will be sending Bill Troy a personal copy of my new book, ASQ Isn’t A Cult, I Swear, No Really, They’re All Just Very Fine People.

Paris also announced his intention to make amends with ISO.

I also intend to make amends with ISO. Just as the trolls critics said, for years we have been re-publishing giant portions of ISO standards in violation of copyright, under our pirate publishing operation called “SAE” and “IATF.” We’re sorry, and will be paying ISO back for all their lost revenue.

With two new publications coming soon, a Second Edition of Surviving ISO 9001 and the first release of Surviving AS9100, Paris promises to donate the proceeds to charities.

With two new publications coming soon, a Second Edition of Surviving ISO 9001 and the first release of Surviving AS9100, I promise to donate the proceeds to charities. Or rather, “Charities.” Specifically Charity Feldmacher, the hooker on 14th Street and Belmont, and Charity Bleemer, the other hooker on 14th and Belmont. Or maybe it’s Charity Belmont on Bleemer, I can’t remember.

A number of the online commentators have accused Oxebridge of shutting down the popular Elsmar Cove forum, despite the fact that the site was never shut down and continues to operate. Paris responded to this as well:

A number of the online commentators have accused me of shutting down the popular Elsmar Cove forum, despite the fact that the site was never shut down and continues to operate. The truth is, however, that not only was the site was shut down, and in fact has never actually existed. That, too, was a hologram. The idea for inventing a nonexistent website was later used in a movie with Keanu Reeves fighting some guy in sunglasses. This explains how so many people could continue to complain about not being able to log into a site that they logged into anyway.

It’s not clear what will happen with Oxebridge soundly defeated by trolls internet commentators, but most civilized nations agree, the world will be a lesser place for it.