We live in interesting times. The automotive industry seems to be declaring that a TS 16949 certificate with any accreditation mark, no matter if it’s legit or not, is completely valid. ANAB and Smithers invent an entirely new ISO 9001 certification variant out of thin air. Certificate mill operators offer audit-free “virtual certifications” and accreditation services to standards you aren’t even allow to see. Registrars agree to certify cement “death jackets” designed to kill their customers. The IAF decrees that auditors don’t even have to gather their own evidence, and can offload that work to their clients. UKAS rules that it’s entirely fine for CBs to consult, provide they call it providing “templates”, or for CBs to certify companies that they knew were breaking international law. ISO uses annual certificate totals in marketing pitches, but refuses to answer questions on how the hell they came up with their whacked-out numbers.
Which begs the question: why on earth is anyone paying for this?
And, as always, Oxebridge has the solution. If quality is free, then fake quality is free-er. Just stop paying altogether, and certify yourself to whatever you want. Cut out the middleman. Why should ANAB or UKAS or IATF or IAQG get any money at all, if they really just don’t give a damn about their responsibilities? Why pay unaccredited certificate mills $500 for a worthless certificate, when you can get one for free that’s even more worthless?
So here you go. Oxebridge presents the fill-it-in-yourself Accredited Certification for Anything. Just print, fill in your company name and the standard you want, and feel free to submit it to whomever asks. If, for example, GM says they have a problem with it, tell them Joe Branksy said it’s fine.
This certificate is accredited by ARCAB – the Accredited Registrars Certification Accreditation Board – which has got to be better than Daryl Guberman’s “American Board of Accredited Certifications” because mine has the word “accreditation” in it twice. Not only that, this certificate features more than a dozen accreditation marks, and at least one demonic cult symbol. And it’s certified as 600% Made in America, so if you disagree, you are a terrorist that hates your country, you godless bastard.
And you can’t beat the price: free. It even comes with an Oxebridge guarantee that no one on planet earth will ever be able to produce a more useless certification, no matter how much they charge you.
And if enough of these
fake multi-accredited certificates flood the market, maybe the powers that be will get serious about doing what they tell the world they are doing, and thus reduce their risk of litigation, while actually helping their reputations and improving the validity of accredited certification. Until then, go ahead, print the cert above and fill it in. There isn’t a damn thing they can do about it.
This is a re-post of a piece originally published in November 2014.