Washington DC — The recent incursions of unidentified aircraft into US airspace has prompted the Dept. of Defense to begin work on an interim DFARS rule which would require defense industrial base (DIB) companies to shoot down potential enemy aircraft over their property.

Image Source: Radio Jamaica News

Within the month of February alone, the US has shot down four unidentified objects flying over US airspace. The first occurred on February 4, when the US downed a Chinese balloon that had traversed the entire country. Three more unidentified objects were shot down over Alaska, Canada, and the Great Lakes in another three-day period. The origin of the latter objects has not yet been disclosed by the Biden administration.

The rash of airspace incursions has prompted the Undersecretary of Defense for Supply Chain Logistics, Andrew Twerk, to call a series of emergency meetings within his department, with the intent of bolstering the DIB’s defensive measures through the Federal contracting process.

“The defense industrial base shouldn’t rely solely on the US government to protect them in these matters,” Twerk was reported to have told his staff, according to a source who chose to remain anonymous. “And the government, frankly, needs their help, too.”

Multiple sources reported that Twerk was inspired by the DoD’s efforts shoring up the nation’s cybersecurity defenses, through the flowdown of NIST and other requirements via DFARS contractual requirements. In 2019, the DoD launched its Cybersecurity Maturity Model Certification program, which will require DIB companies to achieve a minimum “CMMC” rating to continue doing work under DoD contracts.

The CMMC program was met with some controversy, as it offloaded “soft” cybersecurity national defense back onto the private citizens and companies the DoD is traditionally tasked with defending. The DoD has defended the program by insisting that the US government alone cannot fully defend the nation’s electronic borders, given the proliferation of email and other internet-based attacks. Attorney Robert Metzger of the law firm Rogers Joseph O’Donnel & Toast, a frequent speaker on the CMMC program and co-author of the MiTRE “Deliver Uncompromised” report, said, “Asking the DIB to help defend the country through robust cybersecurity controls makes sense. DIB companies are the frontline victims of cybersecurity attacks, and should be our first line of defense, but I also understand the criticism from those that oppose the CMMC scheme.”

Robert Metzger

The efforts by Twerk, however, would shift the DIB’s responsibility for national defense beyond mere “soft” targets, and onto “hard” targets requiring actual ammunition and weapons systems. One source from within Twerks’ working group reported that the proposed Interim Rule would require DIB companies to mount radar scanning equipment and anti-aircraft weaponry on rooftops to “blast the hell out of” unidentified objects flying over private company airspace.

The US Air Force has reportedly thrown in its support and is working behind the scenes with Twerk’s staff to push the DFARS idea in front of rulemakers. Col. Wesley Fingers leads supply chain controls as part of the USAF Office of Acquisition and Supply, and has already briefed his team on the need to require DIB companies to arm themselves. Fingers would provide no details to reporters, but did issue a short statement through his press secretary, saying “USAF will work with private vendors such as Raytheon and Lockheed Martin to ensure DIB companies get fair pricing on their roof-mounted defense systems.” Fingers’ statement concluded by saying, “it is our intent to defend the country, not bankrupt the DIB.”

When asked about the initiative, attorney Metzger tepidly agreed with its importance. “It sounds like the right move at the right time,” Metzger said, “but I can also understand those who might think it’s not.”

Upon hearing about the planned Interim Rule, GOP Congressman Gustavo Pingafria (R-TX) called on the Biden administration to do more. “It’s high time patriotic Americans stand their ground against Chinese and foreign invaders, invoke their Second Amendment rights, and launch short-range nukes at incoming air traffic.”

When asked if that posed a risk to commercial flights, Pingafria was undeterred. “Maybe those ridiculously effeminate-looking airplanes from the Woke Disney Company will think twice about flying over Joe’s Machine Shop and Aunt Betty’s Farm, then!”

When asked about the potential downing of tourist airplanes, attorney Metzger said, “We have to be conscious of tourists, but we also have to be unconscious of tourists. So I agree with all sides on this one, and on everything else, too.”

Richard Chickentoss

Former DoD Chief Information Security Officer Katie Arrington said she supports the idea of forcing US companies to fight wars, and argued that this could lead to a stronger nation. She demonstrated her commitment to the idea of “public-private partnered national defense” by attacking pigeons on her roof with a machete while holding a Moscow Mule and screaming profanities.

The US Dept. of Defense currently has the largest single budget of any government agency anywhere in the world, at nearly $1 trillion annually. But DoD representatives insist they cannot actually defend the nation on what they call “meager scraps” of taxpayer dollars. DoD spokesperson Richard Chickentoss said that the US government must now offload national defense back onto private companies and citizens, because the current budget “barely pays for the whores we send to Booz Allen every week.”

When asked about whores, attorney Robert Metzger was non-committal, but did show signs of arousal.